I am having a bad anxiety. It comes to me when I'm alone, when I'm no longer have my friends around me. It scares me how much bad it got. It weighed down on me so bad. And I feel stupid because I stressed around the things that I wasn't supposed to. It easy for them to say just to forget about it. Unfortunately, I cannot simply do that.

I feel so bad. My grades are lowering. And people starting to ask me what's wrong. My homeroom teacher asked me a lot of things. She asked me over and over if I had problems with anything. I wasn't even close with her. And she expect me to tell her everything. And it didn't make sense. Why would I tell an older stranger about my feelings. All she would do are nodding and telling me that it's wrong to hating on life.

And it wasn't even helping to talk to people. I know some of them care enough, and they asked me to stop cutting. But what if I failed them? It's only saddened me that I can't even fulfil a simple request, plus I might look like a fool for trying to explain my feelings over and over. And it really hurts that my closest friend still mocked me about that. It really hurts.

I want to go far away, anywhere, any place with any human form I could find.

I'd say I want to die, but that'd be so pathetic, and depressing.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so sorry.

Scars

So now I'm going to talk about cutting.

I was scared to do any.

But on my 16th birthday I did.

And it was addicting.

It was hard to stop.

It was amazing.

And my mind is going crazy.

It's like I've swallowed an ecstasy.

Or do some kind of drugs.

It's been a hella kind of drugs. And I've tried to stop several times, it was hard. But I passed. I still can see the scars, but I'm kinda proud of my battle scars. It was silly and I'm truly ashamed, but I'm grateful for everything that been running through my mind.

Remember these lines :

The scars doesn't mean you lost the game

It means you are strong enough

To live in this hateful world

No matter how deep you have cried

You have to keep yourself on track

And remember that storms doesn't last forever

That't it. Please don't give up on yourself. Please keep fighting. One night after another. I'm sure you'll pass. You're young, and you have so much more too see. Distract your mind. Trick it into doing something that you really like. Dancing or painting or music or theatre and a lot more.

Sometimes I have thoughts like why don't I just do my worst? I mean, I'm gonna die anyway. Why can't I live my life the way I want it to be? To be honest, if we living our live the way we want it to be, it's not partially right. You could practically use that rights to do things wrong. We have to keep ourselves in track.

Sometimes you feel so low that you wanted to go away. But don't. Sleep it off. You'll realise in the morning that maybe your decision was stupid.

Stay alert and alive.

Keep away from razors.

xx

10pm thoughts

Hi there.

It's almost 10pm here. And I was bored, and I opened this blog. I miss blogging.

A lot of things have happened. A lot of them weren't pretty at all. It was scary. And it sucks a lot. I never knew being a teenager was this hard. I feel so ashamed of myself to write such a personal things on blogs. If I were you I'd thought that I'm seeking some attentions. And it sucks. Sorry. But I never meant that. It was just hard telling things over and over to the same friends, when they got bored of my thoughts.

I've been through some books these past months and they got me thinking about life (tumblr helps too). I mean we're living in a crazy shitty world. It's pretty amazing and beautiful. And yet it sucks a lot. And there are a lot of people who are hurting. Not only the jobless, the homeless, or old people. Sometimes people doesn't realise that they're hurting too. Like maybe this girl said that all guys sucks, you'd probably say that she shouldn't try on every guy. But that's not true. Basically, a girl cannot try on every guy. She has a bad timing and luck on love. And she was angry, and upset over her previous boyfriend. because she denied the fact that she is hurt. Contrary, this guy said that all girls sucks, he'd probably has a shitty relationship himself. But if they both insult the other gender, they're just hiding the fact that they're hurting deep inside. So they cover up (to be though) with being angry on each other.

And look at the people who killed, who smoke, who drinks, who cut, who depresses, and the sensitives one. They have such a feeling heart. So when they're hurting, they find another way to get away from the pain they're feeling. They have such a different way of thinking than most of the sane people. I'm sure that all of them were wishing for a different world. A world to get away from things.

If you ever wanted to insult people, please consider this. It might be a light joke or a light punch. You might do it once a week or so. But you don't know this people. You don't know what's gonna hurt them. You don't know what's going on inside their head. They might be there for some times, and the next day they could be gone. If you ever find smokers around, don't insult them. They won't care, they won't listen. They just need a better place to get away. And the people who cuts, don't judge them. I know it's stupid that they added a physical pain to their psychological pain. Little things hurts them. They're like these fragile angels. And the people who hate on other people. We don't need to dislike them. I mean they're doing the wrong things, but they truly never understand the benefits of doing that.

And if someone told you their problem, please don't tell them you've had worse. Everybody got a fight. Have a heart. It won't hurt so offer your smile and ears.

Cerpen Singkat - Kematian

“Apa?”, tanyanya.

Rebecca mengangkat bahunya sambil tersenyum lemah tak tentu arahnya. “Tak apa”, akunya. Si anak lelaki berparas emo itu menyipit, lalu tertawa. Ia melangkahkan tubuh tingginya itu kearah barisan kursi yang diduduki Rebecca. Rebecca yang melihat reaksi anehnya pun mengernyitkan keningnya. Apa gerangan yang aneh dari anak itu, pikirnya. Lelaki itu duduk 2 bangku jaraknya dari Rebecca.

“Sungguh aneh”, ia tertawa pelan sembari mengaitkan jemarinya yang panjang dan sungguh pucat. Kerutan di dahi Rebecca semakin dalam. Apa pula maksudnya? “Sungguh aneh melihat seorang wanita muda duduk sendirian di UGD dengan keadaan sehat-sehat saja. Siapa pula yang sakit?”

Rebecca terdiam sejenak. Ia sudah cukup kaget dengan kedatangan lelaki aneh di dini hari ini, apalagi yang cukup peduli untuk menanyakan keadaannya. “Tak ada”, ucapnya pelan. Sungguh aneh bagi Rebecca untuk bisa mengakui kebenaran pada seseorang, lebih aneh lagi baginya mengetahui bahwa seseorang itu sepenuhnya asing.

“Aku memang tak mengenalmu, tapi aku dapat melihat kegelisahanmu. Jari- jarimu terus berkedut, menandakan entah kau sedang berpikir atau sakit perut”, ujarnya.

Rebecca tertawa. “Sakit perut?”

Si lelaki emo ikut tersenyum. “Kemungkinan”, ia tertawa kecil. “Kau tak berhenti mengigit bibirmu, dan kakimu berpindah posisi setiap saat. Postur dudukmu tak pernah bertahan lebih dari lima menit, serta kau tak bisa berhenti bernapas dalam”

Rebecca terdiam, ia menatap lekat- lekat laki- laki disampingnya. Bagaimana bisa ia mengerti detil- detil kecil tentang dirinya? “Bagaimana bisa-?”, ia mulai bertanya.

“Tahu?”, potong si lelaki emo. “Kau tak pernah sadar aku ada di ujung barisan kursi sejak tahun lalu”

“Tahun lalu?”, Rebecca terkesiap. “Lalu bagaimana bisa kau baru berbicara denganku hari ini?”

Si lelaki emo menggidikkan bahunya. “Bukankah ini tepat setahun kematiannya?”

Keheningan tak pernah berasa begitu memekakkan telinga Rebecca saat itu. Ia begitu kaget, jantungnya menari dengan cepat, seakan- akan bisa copot kapan saja. Ia menarik napas dalam, seketika ia tersedak oleh kebenaran, oleh kenyataan yang disodorkan oleh si orang asing di dekatnya. Rebecca merasa hatinya pedih, ia merasakan panas di matanya, tanda tak asing baginya untuk mulai menangis tersedu- sedu.

“Kau tahu, dunia memang kejam. Aku bisa merasakan apa yang kau rasakan. Mungkin kau tak ingat, atau mungkin kau berusaha tak mengingatnya. Aku adalah salah satu orang yang turut berkabung malam itu. Aku memang tak mengerti jalannya hidup”, si lelaki emo mengambil napas lalu tertawa. “Adikku, Cameron, direnggut oleh kecelakaan tragis malam itu. Aku cukup terpukul. Apalagi ia hanyalah satu- satunya keluarga yang kumiliki. Aku memang harusnya bersyukur akan keselamatan yang bisa kudapatkan, menghitung- hitung saat itu juga aku sedang menyetir. Namun sama sepertimu, terkadang aku dijejali oleh perasaan bersalah. Kurasa itu normal. Siapapun yang selamat dari bahaya maut pasti merasakannya”

Rebecca menengadahkan kepalanya, lalu menutup matanya. “Tak pernah aku merasa sebersalah ini. Jika aku lebih hati- hati, mungkin ia masih ada disini. Mungkin ia masih bisa tertawa bersamaku. Mungkin ia masih bisa melanjutkan cita- citanya. Tak sewajarnya aku menyetir sore itu. Jika aku tak salah mengambil jalan, kita semua pasti selamat. Aku tak bisa berhenti menyalahkan diriku. Aku-“

Tiba- tiba kehangatan menyelimuti Rebecca. Ia terdiam, namun dalam hitungan detik bahunya berguncang keras, semua emosi dalam setahun yang tak pernah ia luapkan sekarang keluar, membanjiri dirinya. Ia terisak, tak kuasa menahan tangisan pilunya. Si lelaki emo terdiam sembari menyangga tubuh wanita muda dalam pelukannya yang masih terisak- isak.

Setelah beberapa menit mereka terpatung seperti itu, si lelaki emo melepaskan pelukannya. “Terkadang manusia hanya butuh sebuah pelukan”

Rebecca tertawa tersendat sembari mengelap air mata di pipinya. “Terimakasih. Aku tak pernah menyangka”.

“Tak apa”, si lelaki emo tertawa sambil berdiri merenggangkan tubuhnya. “Kau berniat makan larut malam? Atau itu bisa dihitung sebagai sarapan ya?”

Rebecca tertawa lepas. “Aku tak tahu, yang pasti aku benar- benar lapar”

Si lelaki emo tersenyum “Aku tahu benar restoran 24 jam yang menyajikan makanan terlezat sejagat raya”

“Kau melebih- lebihkan”, dengus Rebecca.

“Aku tak bercanda”, tawanya. “Sebelum aku lupa. Namaku Willion, namamu?”

“Rebecca. Rebecca Vince”, ucapnya seraya berjalan mengikuti langkah lelaki emo yang berhasil meruntukan tiang- tiang emosinya di dini hari yang dingin itu.

Cerpen Singkat - Depresi

Sejenak aku terdiam, terpaku menatap tangan waktu yang tak henti- hentinya berputar. Seakan tak ada jeda bagiku sedikitpun untuk bernapas. Relung- relung dadaku penuh sesak, nadiku berdetak liar. Aku menutup mataku, berharap segalanya dapat kembali seperti semula. Tak perlu lagi ada tangisan tertahan yang harus kusumbat dengan ujung- ujung selimutku, tak perlu ada lagi sayatan- sayatan abstrak yang memuaskan sakit di hatiku, dan tak perlu ada lagi gerakan bodoh yang harus kulakukan untuk menutupi segalanya dengan menarik sudut- sudut bibirku.

Sudah lama aku menderita, cukup dalam bagiku. Bisa saja orang mengira aku ini orang paling bahagia di muka bumi. Aku tidak pernah mendapat olokan, aku memiliki banyak teman, aku memiliki bakat yang aku banggakan, aku memiliki orang tua yang cukup berada, dan aku dianugrahi kecerdasan dari-Nya. Namun tak jarang pikiran- pikiran tak jelas merasuki indra- indraku. Membuat lidahku kelu, leherku kering, dan badanku dingin. Ketakutan sudah menjadi sahabat baikku, dan rasa sakit sudah menjadi bayanganku.

Wahai masa- masa indah yang mereka katakan, dimanakah engkau? Tak kah kau lihat warna- warna yang mulai pudar dari mataku? Seolah aku hanyalah sebuah boneka rusak, tak tahu mau berbuat apa. Ayah, bunda, tak bisakah kau menerawang melalui sikap-sikapku? Tak bisakah kalian lihat kedalam isi hatiku? Aku, darah dagingmu sendiri. Atau mungkinkah aku terlalu pandai bersandiwara?

Terkadang aku ingin tertawa. Tertawa melihat diriku sendiri. Ketika aku melihat kedalam kejujuran, yang kulihat hanyalah seorang anak perempuan, menangis, memanggil dalam diam, akan kehidupan lain yang dapat ia tulis. Ia bernyanyi pada dunia, namun dunia seakan berjalan terlalu cepat untuk mendengar cicit kesakitan seorang insan manusia. Dunia seakan terlalu besar untuk seorang anak kecil tak berbekal apapun. Aku ingin sekali tertawa, walau air mataku mengalir di pipi. Agar diriku tahu aku masih bisa bangkit lagi

Setiap malam aku menuliskan melodi- melodi mimpi. Yang mungkin terdengar kecil dan tak berarti. Setiap malam aku berdoa, meminta kekuatan untuk melalui satu hari lagi. Namun tanganku seakan telah diatur, seakan mataku takkan puas bila belum melihat cucuran kehidupan jatuh dalam air. Setiap malam aku bersembunyi, aku takut bila Yang Kuasa datang dan menghukumku akan kejahatanku.

Kembali aku menatap dinding- dinding dingin, keringat dingin mengucur deras di keningku. Tik, tok, tik, tok, tawa sang penguasa waktu. Aku pun ikut tertawa mendengarnya tertawa. Kulayangkan pandangku pada sisa pil- pil yang berjatuhan di sekitar botol kaca, lalu kualihkan pandanganku pada lengan- lenganku yang berlumur cairan kehidupan. Berapa lama lagi? Berapa lama lagi yang kuperlu untuk meninggalkan tempat terkutuk ini? Akankah aku pergi ke tempat penghukuman? Ah, biarlah. Biar kunikmati segala kesakitan yang memang layak kutanggung, entah karena dosaku atau bukan, aku tak perduli. Aku kembali tertawa, aku tersenyum pada gambaran diriku, aku tersenyum pada sosok putih diatasku, dan aku menutup mataku.

Hey. Hola. Ciao. Ni Hao. Konnichiwa. Gutten Tag. Sup bitch?

Kay. Hi. I know! :D I'm sorry I haven't write in a while! No wait it's too long. Lol you can practically slap me. *offers cheek* but anyway it's 21.39 here and I have math & physic test tomorrow so I could practically die.

Anyway, I'm so sad. There you go.

I don't know what to do. What to say. And I've been through my old post and I missed how funny I used to be. How cheerful I used to be.

And oh do you know I'm on the radio every saturday night? It's so surprising. I'm just so excited. Twice on air. And my parents were proud. OK. It was started when we were taking voice, I got to take my voice in the middle of the story. And the radio's owner said he likes my voice yay :D and then he asked me to train there. Of course I said yes!! ( > - u- )> i dunno why I'm making this face.

Umm what else? Oh, I failed a test for a free home stay in another country. I don't have enought balls to tell my daddy. Kill me now. fml.

Ummmmmm what else? ~(-o-~) (~-o-)~ imma party. Nope.

Oh I got a theatrical drama tomorrow for a test, I'm playing as a tomboy princess. Yep suits me well.

I dunno what else to saaay cuz I'm a maaaan. Yeah, buying butch shooooessss :'D oh man i love gumball.

But anyway I'm having a crush on someone named Aiden. He's a basketball player. He's in my class and he's too cute for his own good :3

I lost myself. I don't know who I am, who I was, who I'll be.

Until next time, keep on being strong :)

Deep sh*t man.

Do you know that old band named Queen? Yeah? Man, I'm like so in love with them.

I'm so damn sleepy now. And oh, did I tell you that I turned a bit more boyish now? And 3 of my friends got their hearts broken today. Sigh. Those girls.

My fingers hurts from playing guitar so much. I can't see bruises, but it feels weird when I pinched 'em.

I met Dane on Saturday. And it wasn't like what I wanted it to be. Don't even ask.

Radio Ga Ga. Radio Goo Goo.

And if you're reading this, and you feeling down, sad, insecure, stupid, pathetic, confused- anything near them- don't worry, everything will be okay. It always will be. If it doesn't, then you haven't reached its time yet.

You're different, that's what makes you beautiful.

If you're missing someone, don't overstressed it. Do something refreshing. Like hanging out with your friends, music- anything you like- or simply take a walk somewhere.

If you're having a problem, don't keep it to yourself. Tell your parents, friends, or even me. I don't mind.

If you're being judged, don't listen. In the end, that person who judged you will be judged with their 'measurement'.

If you feels insecure, don't. Don't starve yourself. Every BODY is beautiful. You just need to keep it healthy and fit. Don't wear make ups. You're beautiful just the way you are.

And don't forget, that you're not the only one who struggled trough the problems. I'm with you, we're all with you. So no worries ;)

I'm sorry, that was kinda deep. Lol. I feel like saying it. And happy birthday, to you. Whoever that was born today. Have a nice one.

Lovee. Mia.